TRANSCRIPT

I’m Maggie Smith, and this is The Slowdown. 

Like me, you’ve probably read or heard accounts of near-death experiences, or seen them depicted in films. The descriptions are so often light-related: seeing light up ahead, or being surrounded by light. The cliché “I saw my life flash before my eyes” must be a cliché for a reason, right? I imagine a film montage playing, like old home movies from my childhood, grainy and silent. I know this dates me; maybe your life flashing before your eyes in the 21st century is more like an Instagram reel set to music? Who’s to say?

It's natural to wonder what death will be like, when it’s our time. And when a loved one dies, it’s natural to wonder what they experienced as they left this earth. Were they in pain, or comfortable? Were they conscious of what was happening? Were they confused or in a state of clarity? What did they see or hear?

Curiosity is such an enormous part of being human. We want to know, but there are limits to our knowledge. Those limits don’t stop us from seeking, though.

One of the things I love most about young children is their instinct to ask questions that we adults might feel awkward about asking. I love their frankness, and their lack of shame at their own curiosity. They want to know things, and they aren’t afraid to ask; they haven’t learned yet to watch what they say. Sometimes I envy that about the very young—the unselfconsciousness of how they move through the world, as seekers. I have so many questions, but I know better than to ask many of them. I can anticipate how I might hurt, or offend, or startle someone with a very frank, direct question. 

The speaker of today’s poem addresses her late mother, asking questions that are devastating and relatable. While we don’t have access to the answers, this poem is a beautiful place for the questions to live.

The Night Where You No Longer Live
by Meghan O’Rourke

Was it like lifting a veil
And was the grass treacherous, the green grass

Did you think of your own mother

Was it like a virus
Did the software flicker

And was this the beginning
Was it like that

Was there gas station food

                                           and was it a long trip


And is the sun there
                 or drones
                 or punishment
                 or growth


Was it a blackout

         And did you still create me
         And what was I like on the first day of my life



Were we two from the start
And was our time an entrance
                  or an ending



Did we stand in the heated room
Did we look at the painting

Did the snow appear cold
Were our feet red with it, with the wet snow

And then what were our names
Did you love me or did I misunderstand

                                           Is it terrible


Do you intend to come back

Do you hear the world’s keening

Will you stay the night

“The Night Where You No Longer Live” from SUN IN DAYS © 2017 Meghan O'Rourke. Used by permission of W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.